what scares me about going home

I'm scared I'll forget all my Spanish (especially since three people in recent months have told me my Spanish has gotten worse!!)

I'm scared I'll be too cold when studying - even after being so so too hot this week, and even with my trustworthy pink blanket (everyone should have one).

I'm scared about negotiating my way back into my family's and friends' routines. Jetting back over the past three years for a couple of weeks here and there, I've been treated like royalty. I've been the star of the show - everyone rushing round after me, ferrying me about, fitting into my schedule. I need to ajust to normal pace.

I'm scared of loosing momentum and focus on my thesis. And scared of my thesis - full stop! But as Alicia today, Muriel a few months back, and Elaine many times, have told me - it won't be perfect, it won't be the definitive word, it just needs to get done. Good advice.

I'm scared I'll never go riding in the Andes again on a crillo horse called Martina. Nor learn to jump under the watchful eye of Grace or Julia.

And I'm traumatized at the thought of no more Spanish classes with Cecelia. Best. Spanish Teacher. Ever.

I'm scared I've not done everything I set out to do these past few years.

I'm scared of all the books I haven't read in the library. And that absolutely essential reference I will have forgotten to photocopy which is unavailable in England and which I'll have to fly back to Bs As just to copy..... (this is a good idea to write down all these fears and see how silly some are!)

I'm scared I'll talk to Dad and Jon less once we stop using Skype. And how will I managed without Mum's emails which always start 'This is the second time I've sent this. The first one disappeared.' But with less punctuation.

I'm scared there will be less space to talk about my thesis, hopes and ideas with friends and family. I'm loosing the distance that emails and this blog give me to be honest. Why is is harder to be honest when talking face to face?

I'm scared of how much a hair cut costs in the UK! And that I'll disgrace Debs with the state of my clothes after three years of the ISEDET washing machine. Well, it won't be the first time I've disgraced her in public!

I'm scared of never getting a job. Ever.

I'm wondering how Mum and I will ever choose the books for our club. So many to read!

I'm fretting about living in a town without 24 hour public transport and the loss of independence that means.

I'm scared of having a TV again. Although I have found other ways to time-waste admirably via youtube, fanpop, etc.

I'm scared of not being the glamorous (ha!) girl living in Buenos Aires.

I'm scared, along with all my family, about exactly where another load of books are going to fit. Everyone is making suggestions for sneaking in a few books here and another shelf there. I fear a cull.

I'm scared of expectations, my own and others.

I'm horrified at the thought of no more maracuyas!

Most of all, I'm scared of how excited I am to be coming home.

Comments

Rachel said…
Just realized how deep I've internalized 'Dirty Dancing' - some of you will know the scene I am referring to. Only just noticed the parallel structure!
Anonymous said…
England is waiting with open arms xxxxxx
Anonymous said…
I don't care if you embarrass me in public...... there have been a few times - Crystal Palace springs to mind and imitations of drunken sailors along Tettenhall High Street......After those I can cope with scraggy clothes! Too excited to care really!
Deb*
Rachel said…
Ah, Crystal Palace - and let's not forget the Romanian monastery! Am excited to see you too x